How to use our site safely and effectivelyA Letter From Our President
Thank you for your interest in the YoungSingles.Net community! We take two very important steps to ensure your safety and success:
1) We exclusively recruit honest responsible singles (legally separated does not qualify) who sincerely seek long-term monogamous relationships. Persons who seek short-term flings and persons of questionable character would have little interest in joining our communities.
2) Our Criminal Records Background Check – For your safety and security we require background checks as a condition of Gold Circle membership. Even if you are not a Gold Circle member you can limit your profile and correspondence to Gold Circle members.
We start the Gold Circle background check by verifying identity using a combination of name, date of birth and address information. A partial social security number match is made to confirm the identity (this only requires the first three digits of the social security number). Date of birth, current and previous residential addresses are confirmed, this information is then used to conduct a criminal records search. Criminal records are checked on a national level, then on a state and/or county level, depending on the jurisdiction.
When you receive messages from Gold Circle members you can be assured that they have passed our background check.
Criminal records checks are not guaranteed to discover all criminal behavior, however it is safer to meet Gold Circle members than people who have not passed a background check. In either case you should always use common sense, your intuition and the advice in this letter.
Because we advertise that we serve responsible singles and that we require background checks for Gold Circle membership most persons with criminal records do not bother to visit our site, however we occasionally get a message from someone who tells us about their “little problem”, usually it not such a little problem and we tell them that we cannot accept them as members.
Criminal records checks are not guaranteed to discover all criminal behavior. You are however much safer meeting members of our communities than using a service that does not require background checks.
Remember the Golden Rule - I have been providing dating services for over eleven years and I have received very few complaints about the conduct of my members. In our communities we have a tradition of courteous and respectful behavior between members. I beg of you to please continue this tradition. Also keep in mind the Golden Corollary: Others will do unto you as you do unto others. Karma happens.
Remember our Honesty Check - A quote from the top of our “Edit My Profile” page “A person who is honest on their profile is a good bet to be honest in other areas, of course the opposite is true. This honesty check is one of the major advantages of our service.”
No one will perfectly match their profile, but they should be pretty darn close on a good day and not too far off on a bad day. If you discover significant misrepresentations dump that person immediately, they quite likely to be deceitful in other matters. If the misrepresentations are particularly serious please contact me personally at email@example.com.
Use Common Sense, Intuition and Listen to the Advice of Friends & Family:
Lust and the desire for true love can cloud the judgment of anyone, even those of us in the older age ranges. Yes even seniors have this problem.
If someone seems to be to good to be true they probably are too good to be true. You must mentally step back from a situation and look at the facts. If you have a feeling that something is wrong, you are probably right. Your friends and family care about you and are they more likely to have their blinders off when evaluating your partner. Do not ignore reports of past misconduct, investigate them or have a friend investigate them. Your partner’s ex may just have an axe to grind, but it may be a legitimate beef. Try to get information from a neutral party.
Choosing People to Correspond With:
To have a chance for a lasting relationship both partners must be compatible with regards to the type of relationships they are open to and their inclination towards marriage. The issue of children is next; don’t expect your partner to change his or her mind about this. Couples must respect each other’s religious beliefs. Differences in beliefs are much easier to deal with if you are not raising children together.
When singles are asked to list which attributes are most important in potential partners honesty is almost always on the list. Most lists will also include at least one selection from each of the following groups:
1) Caring, Kind, Compassionate
2) Good sense of humor, Positive attitude, Happy, Fun
3) Responsible, Moral, Spiritual, Faithful
4) Intelligent, Well educated, Common sense
Of course almost everyone claims these qualities. You verify the claims with observation, common sense and intuition. Don’t be blinded by attraction or your previous loneliness.
Compatibility in terms of relationships desired, children, religion plus honesty, kindness, positive attitude, responsibility and intelligence are universal criteria for anyone seriously seeking a lasting relationship.
After the universal criteria above most singles have several critical characteristics they look for in a partner; perhaps physical characteristics, a certain personality type, education level, financial success, age range, ethnic origin, geographic location, shared interests and aspirations. This is OK, you don’t need to feel shallow because of this. Our search features and profiles will help you find potential partners with your preferred characteristics.
The search capabilities of our site may be too powerful, it would be easy to set criteria no one in the world would meet. If you set your search criteria to narrowly you may miss some wonderful people who are very strong in the universal criteria. You must decide what is truly important to you and be open-minded about other factors.
The First Message:
The most common mistake is not sending enough First Messages, this is often due to the grievous error of not buying a Full Membership ;-)
Women:There is no reason to wait for the gentleman to make the first move. The gentleman you are most interested in may have the best intentions of sending out First Messages but there is no guarantee that he will actually get around to doing it. I hate to admit this but there is also the slight possibility that he may forget to send a First Message to you.
I know that many of you like to be pursued by a nice gentleman, that’s fine, you can be pursued all you want, but first you have to get his attention.
Gentlemen: Please be aware that many women will ignore the message above. Unfortunately women only send 20% to 25% of the First Messages.
(This is the end of my stereotyped sexist comments for now.)
The second most common mistake is sending too many First Messages. Your Message Center (the first screen you see when you logon) will do a very good job of keeping track of your correspondence with other members. However you can only give so many persons the attention they deserve. It is best to concentrate on members with whom you have the greatest mutual interest.
Don’t Send Spam – Common courtesy requires that you read a members profile to make sure you want to meet them and that they are likely to want to meet you. You should personalize each First Message to let the recipient know that you really are interested in them. Give him or her reasons to believe that the two of you might make a good couple.
Other online services are frequently plagued with persons who send canned messages to everyone with a nice picture; this is known as “dirty old man spam” (opps, another sexist comment, women are sometimes the perpetrators, often with “professional” intentions). Spam is a rude waste of everybody’s time.
You and your new friend can exchange as many messages as you like through the system without revealing your email addresses or other contact information. Your messages will cover the same subjects you would normally talk about if the two of you were talking on the phone or in person; jobs, family, things you like to do, places you like to go etc.
Reread your partner’s profile to find more topics to discuss. If you are brave, you can bring up subjects like religion, children and politics. The trick is to ask questions that convey that you are interested in what your friend has to say without sounding like the district attorney. Try to have a balance between talking about yourself and learning about your partner. If a couple feels comfortable with each other they may exchange emails directly rather than going through our system. This is particularly common in long-distance relationships.
The Next Step:
Generally the next step is to talk on the phone, however some people prefer to meet in a public place first to avoid giving out phone numbers. In either case we advise caution; do not give out personal contact information such as phone numbers, physical and e-mail addresses until you are comfortable with a person. In most areas you can dial *67 to keep your name and telephone number off the caller ID. Details should be in your local "white pages" directory or contact your local phone service provider.
Traditionally, the gentleman will offer his telephone number first, however a woman certainly can request that the gentleman make the first call. When you invite another member to call you please be patient, they may need to exchange more messages through the system before they are comfortable enough to take the next step.
The best way to invite a phone call is to simply say “When you are ready I would welcome a call at my home phone number (123) 456-7890.” A home phone number is more confidence inspiring than a cell or work number, however many people, particularly women, are more comfortable providing a cell or work number first.
The First Meeting:
You and your new friend have read each other’s profiles, exchanged electronic messages and probably a number of telephone calls. If you both feel confident, comfortable and interested it is time to meet in person. The first meeting should be as low stress as possible for both parties. No fancy dinners or gifts, romantic gentlemen are allowed a small bouquet of flowers (and I do mean small).
Women are allowed to bring a female friend for security, a women should at least inform a friend or family member of the time, location and who she is meeting. If a friend will be included the woman must inform the gentlemen of this before the meeting. Women should understand that this is a difficult situation for a gentleman, as he has to impress two different people. You friend may be there primarily for security but we know she will be asked for an evaluation. The second meeting should be one on one, but still in a public place. If you are not comfortable with a one on one meeting at this point then it is probably time to end the relationship.
Traditionally the first meeting occurs in public place chosen by the women, a coffee shop works well, you can also agree to meet at a Front Range Club event. I suggest that you reread you new friend’s profile and your messages to each other before the meeting.
Three rules for the first meetng: you arrive separately, leave separately and you are courteous to the other party. You will simply continue the conversation you have established through emails and telephone calls.
Long Distance First Meeting:
Long Distance Relationships are more difficult, not to mention more expensive, however there is no guarantee that your soul mate will be conveniently located. A long distance couple should have numerous phone conversations emails and letters over a period of at least a couple months.
You should talk about everyday activities and your hopes and dreams. Your member profiles will give you a wealth of important topics you should discuss. If you can talk comfortably about children, religion, priorities, relationships, politics, drinking and smoking you are on the right track. Pictures in addition to what you have posted with your online profile should be exchanged. Your new friend should know what you look like on an average day.
You need to have a high level of comfort with and interest in each other. You should discuss what you are going to do, and not do, during the first visit.
The gentleman should travel to the woman’s town, and make his own hotel reservations. For security both parties should inform friend or family member of their plans and itinerary. (Guys, there is possibility that miss far-away perfect is part of a scam.) The first meeting can be at the hotel lobby or a nearby coffee shop or restaurant. As with a local first meeting the woman has the option of bringing a friend to the first meeting, but this should not be a surprise. If things go well she may make arrangements to meet a few more friends later during the visit but remember the main goal is for the two of you to get to know each other.
It is good to make plans for future visits before the departure but don’t finalize anything until a few days later when you both have had some time for reflection.
Starting Your Relationship:
The purpose of the First Meeting is to see if you like each other. Don’t be disappointed if there are no fireworks or raging hormones. If a man and a woman like if each other and spend time together as friends they will begin to care about each other and love is very likely to grow from there. Ann Landers defined love as friendship that has caught fire.
If you do experience fireworks and raging hormones please keep in mind that it is lust. Lust is fine if you and your partner recognize for what it is.
Lust will bring up spiritual, moral, legal, ethical and health issues, which are difficult for couples to discuss but far too important to ignore. I am neither a minister, lawyer nor a doctor but I would like to make a few points.
If your new partner wants to quickly hop in the sack do you not suspect that he or she is more interested in sex than in you? Keep in mind your partner will likely view your early advances in the same light. Try to show respect and self-control.
If a couple becomes intimate early in the relationship sex will probably become the centerpiece of the relationship. You will view each other primarily as sexual partners; friendship may be pushed to the background. After the passion cools down will you have any reason to stay together?
Birth control methods are not full proof. Condoms can slip and Planned Parenthood reports an 8% per year pregnancy rate among women who are less than perfect in taking birth control pills according to directions. This is a mutual responsibility; men cannot assume that the woman will “take care of” this issue. Keep in mind that sex is nature's way of tricking people into having children.
According to the American Social Health Organization (using statistics compiled from the Center for Disease Control) 65 million Americans have an incurable sexually transmitted disease and 15 million new infections occur each year. Most of these infections are Human Papillomavirus (HPV genital warts) and herpes, however millions of Americans carry dangerous infections including HIV/AIDS, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis B, Chlamydia, and Syphilis.
This is a very difficult subject for young couples to discuss, however if either of you have been sexual active it is an important issue. STD screening is an essential safeguard and a very good way for a couple to demonstrate their concern for each other.
Have I Chosen a Good Partner?
New couples are generally on the their best behavior towards each other the first few months of a relationship. To predict how your partner will treat you in the future watch how he acts towards friends, family and strangers. The “waitress test” predicts that after six months your new partner will treat you with similar consideration as he or she treats a waiter or waitress. How a man treats is mother is said to be the best indicator of how he will treat his wife.
Early Warning Signs:
If your new friend will not give you a home phone number he or she may already have someone else at home. “I only have a cell phone” may be a valid excuse, however you should expect an invitation to his or her home within the fist two months of a relationship, this should not be interpreted as an invitation to sex. An unusual and unexplained pattern of when and when not your partner can meet you is very suspicious, especially if he or she is only willing to meet you in private or secluded places.
By now you should know quite a bit about your partner’s family and work. Evasiveness at this point is unacceptable. You should have met some of your partner’s local friends. Observe how your partner treats his or her friends and how they treat you. If you’re the 23rd “new person” he or she has introduced to them recently there will be some subtle or not so subtle hints.
Abusive possessive persons may treat you wonderfully at the start however it will not be long before some of the following warning signs appear:
Excessive criticism - This may include your physical appearance, cooking, your job, the way you act or dress etc.
Excessive criticism of your friends and family - This is an especially bad sign if your partner expects you to break ties with friends and family members.
Excessive jealousy, possessiveness and controlling behavior - Your partner demands an accounting for all times you spend apart, always insists on where you go together, tries to put limits and where you go and what you do when you are apart or gives you the third degree about any member of the opposite sex you speak to.
Drastic mood swings, excessive anger, alcohol and drug abuse - There is a major problem here, and it is very unlikely that you can cure it.
Threats and physical abuse - Shoves and slaps can quickly escalate into more serious behavior. Gentlemen, it is not uncommon for an abusive woman to attack you to the point that you must fight back to protect yourself. When the police show up guess who goes to jail?
Blaming you or others for all of their problems - How can you have a successful relationship with a person who is not responsible for their own actions?
If any these behaviors occur repeatedly end the relationship, do not waste time or listen to promises of change.
Making It Work:
Respect & fairness, honesty & communication, kindness & consideration, plus a willingness to forgive are the keys. You must frequently step out of your own head and look at the world through your partner’s eyes. Sometimes a trusted friend or relative, particularly someone of the opposite sex, can help you with this. Respect and fairness require that you work to together to make decisions.
Ask your partner if there are things you can do to make things better. If something is bothering you let your partner know, politely. Be open and willing to share your feelings and make sure you know how your partner feels about you and your relationship.
You are not perfect and neither is your partner. Forgiveness is essential to a lasting relationship. Once you for give a trespass the forgiveness must stick, don’t mine the past for old crimes. Yes there are limits to human forgiveness, but if your partner is basically a good person and forgiving towards you don’t give up the relationship too quickly.
Surprise is considered the most enjoyable emotion. Do something unexpected, try something new, go somewhere your partner has never been. Call in the middle of the day just to say how much you care, send flowers to the office and write love notes. Laughter is the next most enjoyable emotion; your partner will appreciate the effort even if the joke dies. When things go wrong try to find the funny side. Look for entertainment options that your partner will find funny.
Treat you partner’s friends, family (especially children) and pets with kindness and respect. Always try to compliment your partner in front of others, never, ever criticize your partner in front of others. Each day take a little time to hold your partner and say I love you.
I hope you enjoy our service and the people you meet in our communities.
Greg Wasleski, President
Young Singles .Net